I’ve been thinking a lot lately. By that I mean that I have been driving myself crazy by over- thinking everything.
Seriously, I give myself headaches.
Thinking about the past.
Thinking about the future.
Thinking I knew exactly what I wanted, but realizing I am changing my mind. It seems that something is in the air. As I read blog posts about people going back to school to do something totally different than they ever thought or moving somewhere they never dreamed of, it is making me realize that it’s okay to change my mind.
I am changing my mind about my career. For a long time now I’ve been thinking about opening an Etsy shop of some kind, with ideas to make a career out of having a business and blogging. I have seen so many people in the blog world do this, and I was inspired. I remember packing boxes at work last summer dreaming about spending my days painting, crafting, and well, being anywhere but a hot, stuffy warehouse. It was kind of like how in junior high I dreamt of moving to New York City. In the end, it was not what I wanted, but rather a dream to get me through.
These books have been collecting dust for the past year.
I got excited and over-zelous, as I
sometimes always do. Thinking of big, far-fetched dreams, being so optimistic and full of possibility. Sounds great. Well, I read a couple in the little amount of spare time I had, but they eventually got pushed aside, just as those dreams did.
I thought at first it was because I was so tired from work, I just didn’t have anything left to give. It mostly was, but it was also more. I liked to idea of it. Why wouldn’t I want to spend all day basically doing my hobbies, making a living off of it? The more I thought about it though, it began to just feel like a dream. So I started asking myself, am I just scared? Am I selling myself short? Am I just giving up before I even get started?
I thought maybe it was just fear, but it seemed like there was something bigger in my way.
When I was in my senior year of high school, I (thought) I wanted to go to art school in Chicago. In my 17 year old mind, all I saw was possibility, excitement and adventure. My Dad (bless him) drove me to Chicago, in the August heat, through stop and go traffic, to that school. It took about one minute for me to realize that I did not belong in a city. I wanted to go home and tell my mom I’m never leaving because I was already homesick. It became blatantly clear to me that this was not the place for me. And that was that.
My point here is that I feel like many times in my life I get completely lost in ideas and dreams. It has always been my escape. They were my distraction when I was struggling in junior high, my daydreams when I was bored in high school, and my relief in the time since I graduated high school.
I have realized recently though, that I have been so aimless and so unfulfilled. That my desire to learn, get my education, and help others is over powering my restless ideas.
I am not sure what exactly the next step is, or what the end result will be, but I feel like as this year goes on I gain clarity, insight and strength. I feel more and more ready to leave this chapter of my life behind and begin anew.
I am going to leave you hanging though, and do a part two post about what career I’ve been silently contemplating for nearly a year (or actually since I was six). I know you are on the edge of your seat:)